What is sexual shame?
Topics
What sexual shame is
Why it’s a problem
What to do about it
Facing the Beast: Understanding and Healing Sexual Shame
Talking about sex and our bodies can feel awkward, even taboo. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. The discomfort we carry around sexuality is deeply rooted in history, religion, culture, and personal experience—and at the center of it all lurks a powerful creature: sexual shame.
As a sex therapist, even I still find myself brushing up against this beast—sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in moments that stop me in my tracks. For many, sexuality is like a wild animal in the shadows: unpredictable, intimidating, and easier to avoid than approach.
But here’s the truth—naming and understanding sexual shame is the first step toward taming the beast. Only then can we reclaim a relationship with sexuality that feels empowered, connected, and healthy.
Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?
From the beginning of recorded history, stories about the human body and sexuality have been entangled with fear and control.
In the biblical story of Adam and Eve, they begin “naked and unashamed” (Genesis 2:25). But after eating the forbidden fruit, they cover themselves and hide—a shift from openness to self-consciousness. That moment is echoed in countless cultural narratives: the birth of the beast we call shame.
Over centuries, societies built rules, customs, and taboos to regulate sexual behavior. While some were meant to protect, many also fed the beast—especially when sexuality was linked to impurity, punishment, or moral failure.
What Is Shame, Really?
Researcher Brené Brown defines shame as:
“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.”
Guilt can inspire change. Shame, on the other hand, is the beast’s favorite weapon—it isolates, hijacks our identity, and drives us toward secrecy, disconnection, or compulsive behaviors.
How the Beast Shows Up
Sexual shame often begins in childhood, growing in the dark through silence, secrecy, and judgment about our bodies, curiosity, or pleasure. It prowls into adulthood in many forms:
Viewing all sex as “wrong” or dirty
Struggling to use sexual terms without euphemisms
Avoiding nudity, even with a trusted partner
Discomfort with sexual humor or conversation
Discomfort with touch or pleasure
Fear of making sounds during intimacy
Difficulty staying emotionally present during sex
Seeing sex as a duty rather than a shared joy
Low sexual desire or difficulty reaching orgasm
Secretive or compulsive sexual behaviors
If one (or many) of these sound familiar, take a deep breath—you are not broken. These are learned responses, the beast’s pawprints on your life. And just as they were learned, they can be unlearned.
Taming the Beast
Spot it in the wild.
Notice where shame shows up—in your body, thoughts, or emotions. Is your chest tight? Do you feel a sudden urge to hide or deflect?Ask what it’s guarding.
The beast isn’t evil. Often, it’s an overzealous guard dog trying to protect you from rejection, judgment, or emotional pain.Approach with compassion.
You don’t defeat the beast by killing it—you transform it by understanding it.
Healing shame is less about slaying and more about gentling the creature, rewriting its role in your story. The beast can go from an enemy in the shadows to an ally who signals where healing is needed.
Final Thoughts: Reclaiming Sexual Wholeness
Sexual shame is woven into our culture, families, and faith traditions. It’s complex and stubborn—but not permanent.
Many are tempted to grab torches and cry, “I say we kill the beast!” But if you can instead approach the parts of yourself that feel beastly with compassion, you’ve already begun to change the story.
Let’s stop letting shame steal the joy, beauty, and intimacy that sexuality can bring. Together, we can not only face the beast—we can learn from it, reclaim our power, and step forward with strength, integrity, and freedom.
You deserve a sexual life that is shame-free, fully embodied, and beautifully connected.
Resources & References:
Brown, B. (2013). Shame vs. Guilt. brenebrown.com
