What is sexual shame?
Topics
What sexual shame is
Why it’s a problem
What to do about it
Facing the Beast: Understanding and Healing Sexual Shame
Talking about sex and our bodies can feel awkward, even taboo. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. The discomfort we carry around sexuality is deeply rooted in history, religion, culture, and personal experience—and at the center of it all is sexual shame.
As a sex therapist, even I still catch myself bumping into shame-based conditioning and the discomfort it stirs. But rather than avoiding it, I invite you to look more closely. Naming and understanding sexual shame is the first step in freeing ourselves from its grip—and reclaiming a more empowered, connected, and healthy sexuality.
Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?
From the beginning of recorded history, stories about the human body and sexuality have been tangled up in fear and control. Take the biblical story of Adam and Eve: they begin “naked and unashamed,” but after eating the forbidden fruit, they cover themselves and hide. This shift—from openness to shame—has echoed throughout history.
Over time, societies built rules, customs, and taboos to regulate bodies and sexual behavior. While often created to protect, these systems also seeded shame—especially when sexuality was linked to punishment, impurity, or moral failure.
What Is Shame, Really?
Researcher Brené Brown defines shame as
“the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
In contrast to guilt—which says “I did something wrong”—shame says “There’s something wrong with me.” And that difference is critical. Guilt can lead to reflection and change. Shame isolates us, hijacks our identity, and often drives us toward disconnection, secrecy, or compulsive behaviors.
How Sexual Shame Shows Up
Sexual shame often begins in childhood, rooted in silence, secrecy, or judgment about bodies, curiosity, or pleasure. It can manifest in many ways throughout life—some subtle, others deeply distressing. Here are a few common signs:
Avoiding Nudity (even alone or with a trusted partner)
Discomfort With Sexual Topics (including humor, education, or conversation)
Fear of Making Sounds During Sex (linked to self-consciousness or internalized shame)
Difficulty Staying Present During Intimacy (dissociation or emotional shutdown)
Prioritizing a Partner’s Needs Over Your Own (viewing sex as a duty, not a shared experience)
Sexual Dissatisfaction or Dysfunction (shame can block desire, pleasure, or orgasm)
Secretive or Compulsive Sexual Behaviors (used to numb or avoid emotional pain)
Avoiding Self-Touch (especially genitals or erogenous zones)
Viewing Sex as “Wrong” or Dirty (from past messaging or fear of divine disapproval)
Struggling to Use Sexual Terms (resorting to euphemisms due to discomfort or shame)
If one (or many) of these resonate with you, take a breath. You’re not broken. These are learned responses—often deeply ingrained—and they can be unlearned.
What To Do With Shame
First, notice it. Where do you feel discomfort in your body? What emotion or memory comes up? Awareness is the doorway to healing. Write it down, talk to a trusted person, or simply sit with the feeling without judgment.
Then, ask: What is this shame trying to protect me from? Often, shame is a misguided form of protection—trying to keep us from rejection, judgment, or pain. It deserves compassion, but not control.
Healing shame isn’t about waging war against it—it’s about integrating and rewriting the story. We can move from fear to freedom, from hiding to connection.
Final Thoughts: Reclaiming Sexual Wholeness
Sexual shame is woven into our culture, families, and faith traditions. It’s complex, persistent, and painful. But it’s not permanent. You can reclaim your body, your pleasure, and your voice.
So I ask you: Are you willing to challenge old messages and choose healing? Can you offer compassion to the parts of you that still hide or feel afraid? If so, you’re already on the path.
Let’s stop letting shame steal the joy, beauty, and depth that sexuality can bring. Join me in this work—not just to confront the beast, but to befriend it, understand it, and move forward with strength, integrity, and freedom.
You deserve a shame-free, fully embodied, and beautifully connected sexual life.
Resources & References:
Brown, B. (2013). Shame vs. Guilt. brenebrown.com
