What is sexual shame?
Topics
What sexual shame is
Why it’s a problem
What to do about it
Okay, so talking about sex and our bodies is awkward for most of us. This discomfort and shame around bodies and sex, and efforts to cover and regulate them, are not a new problem. From the beginning of recorded history, creation story narratives and cultural historical accounts suggest this ongoing tension and fear of our bodies. This conflict results in sexual shame. As opposed to guilt, shame attacks “who we are” and leads to avoidance and disconnection from healthy sexual expression. Even as a sex therapist, I must continuously check my old shame-based conditioning and sensitivity to others' discomfort. Let’s more fully expose and call out the unwelcome beast of sexual shame and challenge the fear and threats it poses to our wellbeing and intimate relationships.
How did we get here
Creation stories such as the biblical tale of Adam and Eve suggest that in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were “naked and not ashamed”. What has been termed “the fall,” Adam and Eve partook of a forbidden fruit which led to external and internal changes, including a fall from innocence and the introduction of embarrassment with bodies. They sewed together fig leaves to “cover their nakedness”. This shift suggests a transition from bodily acceptance and a connection to the divine, with a need to protect, guard, and hide.
As civilizations developed, a need to regulate bodies and sexual expression led to the development of laws, protective traditions, and practices.
What is shame
Writer and presenter Brene Brown has defined shame as
“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection” (Brown, 2013).
This definition speaks to a strong emotional experience that ties our flaws to who we “are.” In this definition, we see the connection between what we “do,” namely our successes, failures, efforts, and striving, and who we “are,” namely our identity as one worthy of love and accepted by God and our fellowmen (see handout Guilt vs. Shame to understand the dialectical contrast better).
Shame vs Guilt
Brene Brown also makes the distinction between shame and guilt. The differences between the two are crucial to understanding sexual shame. Brown describes guilt as adaptive and helpful, suggesting “it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort” (Brown, B., 2013). In contrast, she defines shame as unhelpful and unproductive. She states that shame is “much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous” (Brown, B., 2013).
While some may scoff at linguistic differences between one emotion word and another, it is important to point out that emotions suggest movement, energy, and direction. The word "emotion" dates to 1579, when it was adapted from the Middle French emouvoir, meaning to “stir up”, or Latin emovēre, meaning to remove, displace or “to set in motion” (“emotion” Merriam-Webster.com).
From a therapeutic standpoint, the role and direction of emotions are crucial. Guilt can potentially move us towards reflection, humility, and course correction based on understanding. We recognize our behavior as “what we did” and can use agency to guide our behaviors in a new direction. Shame, on the other hand, is often experienced as “who we are” and personalized as part of our identity and essence, moving us towards frustration, helplessness, and hopelessness.
How Does it Manifest
Shame in childhood often focuses on bodies and body parts, the mechanics of sex, or our curiosity or experimentation. In adult years, many struggle with cultural expectations, early-life messages, not being thin enough, being too thin, our parts being too big or small, things moving too fast or slow, being too hard or soft, or not measuring up to the movie or social media standards of attractiveness or sex. In sex, the beast of shame has endless vulnerabilities to sink its teeth into.
We can watch for shame in various manifestations. It may be avoiding eye contact or withdrawn body language. At a stronger level, shame can show as anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, scrupulosity, depression, and avoidant attachment. Here are some specific examples to be aware of (these topics were taken from the excellent article Sexual Shame: Definition, Causes, & How to Overcome It; the comments following the topic headings are my own.)
Avoiding nudity: Most cultures of the world cover up with clothing as a protective measure due to discomfort and our bodies being exposed to temperatures or the elements. While respecting cultural norms is encouraged, some struggle with being naked in appropriate settings such as showering, standing in front of a mirror, and while having sex.
Extreme discomfort with sexual topics: When the subject of sex comes up in discussion or entertainment, protective discomfort can arise, including sexual scenes in movies or TV, sexual jokes, and even discussing sex in healthy or culturally appropriate ways.
Discomfort around making sounds during sexual activities: Western culture suggests discomfort and impropriety with the natural sounds and noises that accompany sexual pleasure, tension, and release. Making noise can be a great way to accept, own, and enhance our sexual experience.
Difficulty staying present during intimacy: When sexual shame is present, feelings of internal conflict may lead to dissociation from the present moment. Division and separateness can limit our ability to experience pleasure and fulfillment.
Prioritizing your partner’s satisfaction over your own: When one’s pleasure and satisfaction are shamed, sex is tolerated by seeing sex as a service to our partner. Western culture places greater emphasis on the value of giving vs. knowing what we want and how to ask for and receive it.
Experiencing sexual dissatisfaction or dysfunction: Shame can block our sexual functioning, including sexual interest, desire, arousal, excitement, or orgasm. Shame can shut down self-awareness and communication, resulting in an incomplete experience.
Engaging in secret or excessive sexual behaviors: The judgments and intense emotions common in sexual shame can result in a pendulum swing to compulsive behavior. This may be to buffer, diffuse, or avoid uncomfortable feelings. This creates a habit or repetitive cycle over time.
Avoiding self-touch: Many grew up with strong messages requiring avoidance of touching their bodies, especially genitals, the erogenous zones more frequently associated with sexual arousal and pleasure. As a result, fear of pleasure, arousal, and orgasms can form and eventually lead to disconnection from one’s body and sexuality.
Viewing sex as “wrong” or something to avoid: Shame connected with sexual activity could result from our own experience or internalizing early messages. These messages often strictly warn against sexual expression, even connecting it to punishment or divine disfavor.
Difficulty saying sexual words/terms: Those who grew up with inadequate sex education often use vague language or euphemisms for genitals and sexual activity. Negative or shame-based language perpetuates the disconnection and unhealthy relationship that we often have with body parts.
Okay, take a deep breath. I assume at least one of these points resonated or tapped into some old emotions or conditioning. When we experience imbalance or hold onto emotions and messages, we experience this in our bodies. What are you noticing in coming up in your body? Where, specifically, are you feeling it? What is the message? Awareness is the gateway to action and meaningful change. I recommend writing, sharing with a loved one, or finding other ways to value the impressions that are coming up.
Conclusion
The beast of shame is so embedded in our culture and history that conquering or eradicating it is a tall order. As much as we may desire to light the torches, raise the pitchforks, and “kill the beast!”, this creature does not leave easily. Nonetheless, there is much that we can do to identify emotions and beliefs and assume a balance between protective boundaries and value-based sexual expression. Shame is an overreaction to a natural protective response. Can you value the protective intent of this aspect of self, and also require that our shame-based part work through their issues? Can you befriend and have compassion for a shamed and exiled aspect of self? Are you willing to change your cultural and historical narrative around shame? Are you ready to join me on this quest for healing and recovery? If the answer is “YES,” I invite you to “be my guest” in making a plan of action towards a shame-free, happy ever after.
References
Brown, B. (2013, January 13). Shame vs. guilt. Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/#:~:text=I%20define%20shame%20as%20the,makes%20us%20unworthy%20of%20connection.
Sexual Shame: Definition, Causes, & How to Overcome It https://www.choosingtherapy.com/sexual-shame/
