What is sex?
Topics:
Defining Sex
Sexual Identity
Decision Making
Used to sell movies, cars, and toothpaste, sex is a subject of unending fascination, excitement, fixation, and obsession. On the other hand, the subject of sex brings much discomfort and is often ignored, slandered, repressed, joked about, and endured. Like it or not, sex is a central part of our existence. So, everyone knows what sex is, right? Well…. let me complicate things a bit.
I remember discomfort and blushing when, as a teenager, George Michael sang “I want your sex” or Kiss suggestively crooned “Let’s put the X in sex”. I was curious when the rap band Salt and Pepper, as well as the provocative Dr. Ruth, suggested “Let’s talk about sex”. Sex is often framed as a behavior, specifically the act of sexual intercourse when it culminates in penis/vaginal penetration and orgasm. I believe that when someone indicates “having sex” or even just the word “sex,” this activity or imagery comes to mind, or for many, is quickly shut out of their mind.
So embedded is this definition of sex that in cultural discourse and legal proceedings, acts such as “oral sex” are often excused as “not sex”. Many from my generation will not forget the infamous Bill Clinton statement, “I did not have sex with that woman”. During the 90s, I was also introduced to the “mind-boggling” adage “stay moral – go oral”. A definition of sex that confines sexuality to a brief and intimate meeting of the genitals that explosively releases tension and energy, followed by a tidal wave of sensations, emotions, and thoughts, is narrow and creates a host of problems.
I think “sex” is very well overdue to receive a complete renovation and repurposing. I invite the notion that sex or our sexuality is so much more than any single behavior or action. Sexuality is grounded in who we are and our desire to connect. Our identity as sexual beings is rooted in our history and internal experience. Sex is better defined as an energy, or sexual energy, to be more precise. This energy is a major motivation in attraction, intention, connection, and enrichment. I view sexuality as a gift and endowment embedded in our physical and spiritual DNA. The salt, the special sauce, and the garam masala in the curry allow the experience to graduate from the humdrum to the amazing “Wow” level.
Again, I invite you to challenge the perspective of “sex” and “sexuality” as a one-way road to narrowly defined behaviors such as penetration and orgasm. Doing so allows us to banish discomfort in seeing children and teens as sexual. In his book “The Soul of Sex,” the writer and former Catholic priest Thomas Moore writes about his celibate years as a Catholic priest as “another way of expressing his sexuality”. Can we see abstinence, celibacy, and even some who identify as “asexual” as variation and beautiful diversity within the expression of sexuality? Many aspects of expression these days are a rebellion against cultural assumptions of what one’s sexuality should look like.
Still struggling, let me give some clarifying context. More than behavior, sexuality, or sexual energy can be enriched and defined by principles of choice, agency, consent, respect, individual accountability, honesty, integrity, patience, diversity, pleasure, fantasy, forbearance, playfulness, and spirituality. With this in mind, saying “no”, waiting, or connecting in a unique and personal way can be a part of our sexuality. Viewing sex or sexuality in a broader lens does not give full license to sexual behavior in an “anything goes” way, but must be recognized as a value balance between personal accountability and respect for the systems that we live in, including culture, community, and spiritual or religious family.
So why is this important? You may accuse me of unnecessarily wandering into the dense jungles of irrelevant linguistic squabbling. Nonetheless, the way that we define sex or sexuality can support the way we manage, value, and express ourselves. So, there you go, sex is more important in a broader way than you may have assumed. Hold onto this thought when next viewing billboards or commercials, but more importantly, ponder and process how this definition fits with your education and if a new foundation may be needed.
