What is sex?
Topics:
Defining Sex
Sexual Identity
Decision Making
Sex is More Than You Think
Sex is everywhere—used to sell cars, movies, and even toothpaste. It's a subject of endless fascination, fixation, and fantasy. Yet paradoxically, it's also a source of discomfort, shame, and silence. We joke about it, we repress it, we obsess over it. Like it or not, sex is a central part of human experience. So, everyone knows what sex is, right?
Well, let’s complicate that a bit.
The Narrow Frame
I remember blushing as a teenager when George Michael sang, "I want your sex," or when Kiss suggestively crooned, "Let’s put the X in sex." I was curious when Salt-N-Pepa released their hit, "Let’s Talk About Sex," and intrigued when the bold and candid Dr. Ruth joined the cultural conversation. My embarrassment and conflict were largely related to my definition of sex: a single act, usually penis-vagina intercourse, culminating in orgasm. For many, this narrow frame defines "having sex."
So embedded is this definition that other forms of intimacy are often dismissed as "not sex." Who can forget Bill Clinton's infamous line, "I did not have sex with that woman"? Or the 90s-era phrase, "Stay moral—go oral"? These cultural moments reflect how deeply limited our collective understanding of sex has become.
Redefining Sex as Energy
It's time for a renovation. I believe sex is more than behavior—it’s energy. Sexual energy motivates attraction, drives connection, and fuels intimacy. It's embedded in our physical, emotional, and even spiritual DNA. It’s the spark in creativity, the heat in desire, and the glue in relational connection.
When we define sex solely as a behavior, we risk reducing our sexuality to performance or shame. When we see it as an energy, we begin to access its depth, nuance, and potential.
Expanding the Frame: Identity, Intimacy, and Diversity
Sexuality is not just about what we do—it’s about who we are. It’s rooted in our sense of identity, shaped by our history, and revealed in how we seek intimacy. That means sexuality shows up in many diverse and sometimes non-behavioral ways.
For example, Thomas Moore, in The Soul of Sex, reflects on his celibate years as a Catholic priest as a meaningful expression of his sexuality (Moore, T, 1998). Can we see abstinence, asexuality, or celibacy as valid and beautiful parts of the sexual spectrum? Can we recognize that how we choose to express (or not express) sexuality can be a reflection of our values, not a denial of our sexuality?
Even children and teens, though not sexually active, are sexual beings in the sense that they are developing an awareness of identity, body, boundaries, and connection. Recognizing this helps us foster education and safety, rather than discomfort and avoidance.
The Principles That Enrich Sexuality
So, if sex isn’t just an act, what is it? I believe sexuality can be defined and enriched through values and sexual health principles like:
Agency and Choice
Consent and Respect
Honesty and Integrity
Pleasure and Playfulness
Accountability and Boundaries
Diversity and Inclusion
Spirituality and Meaning
Within this framework, saying "no," choosing abstinence, or expressing intimacy in personal and creative ways are not outside of sexuality—they are deeply within it.
Why This Matters
Maybe you're wondering if this is just a semantic detour into irrelevant wordplay. But definitions shape perceptions. How we define sex shapes how we educate, relate, parent, and heal.
A narrow definition of sex can:
Limit our ability to connect meaningfully
Shame or pathologize diverse expressions
Obscure consent and boundaries
Misguided sexual education
Undermine healing from sexual trauma
A broader definition invites curiosity, inclusion, and alignment with personal and relational values. It makes room for the full human experience—from joy and desire to pain and recovery.
Final Thoughts
Sex deserves a broader conversation and a deeper definition. The next time you're confronted with a sexualized commercial, cultural messages, or even personal reflections, ask yourself: Is this aligning with what I truly believe about sex and sexuality? Does this definition support my values, relationships, and well-being?
It’s time we move beyond the question of whether something "counts" as sex and toward a more holistic, values-based understanding of sexual health and identity.
Because when it comes to sex, you may just know it when you see it, but you deserve to understand it when you feel it.
References
Moore, T. (1998). The Soul of Sex, Harper Perrenial.
