What are sexual health principles?
Topics
Principles before practices
Creating a foundation
The Keys to Great Sex
What are Sexual Health Principles?
When I ask this question in individual or group therapy, I am used to blank stares. When most think of sex, sexual behaviors and the mechanics of sex often come to mind. Many seek to enhance their sexuality through new, novel, or adventurous experiences, positions, toys, or games. To some, it may sound stuffy and dull, but principles and values not only ground our sexual expression but can electrify, ignite, and amplify our sexual experience. Yes, you heard correctly, sexual health principles are “The Bomb!”. Still uncertain? Well, read on and give me a chance to convince you.
In my training, I have had the privilege of receiving supervision and mentoring from sex therapist Doug Braun-Harvey, who created the Out-of-Control-Sexual-Behavior model. In managing our sexual health, Doug Braun-Harvey framed the concept of alignment with six sexual health principles (Braun-Harvey & Vigorito, 2015). I will explore each of these principles in future articles, but I have briefly addressed each below.
Consent - Consent is more than just a verbal yes. Consent is a voluntarily given agreement that is free from outside influence. Consent may be compromised in the areas where we feel “guilt”, “duty”, or “expectations”, We may give grudging agreement to avoid conflict or consequences. Consent goes beyond avoiding sexual abuse or mistreatment. Consent is often violated by not asking for physical or sexual touch, but also in non-sexual ways, such as your Aunt Mary’s obligatory hugs, unsolicited fertility advice, or your partner’s unwanted use of your water bottle.
Non-exploitation - Expanding upon the principles of consent, exploitation is the manipulation, objectification, or unhealthy use of power for personal gain. Exploitation views others as parts and uses them for one's gain, instead of valuing the whole person. This is obvious in significant violations such as sexual affairs, infidelity, and the way that workers can be sexually exploited for profit. It also may include smaller breaches of relationship agreements, such as flirting, crossing a set boundary with physical or sexual touch, and subtle ways that one may apply sexual pressure.
Honesty - Honesty is part of consent and safety. Beyond not telling lies, honesty is authenticity and fidelity to relationship agreements. Authentic consent cannot be given, and safety cannot be had if honesty is not a part of the sexual conversation. Beyond lying, covertly withholding information that is relevant to a sexual partner is a violation of honesty. Also, misrepresenting our present or past behaviors violates honesty.
Shared Values - Within a partnership, each party resonates with certain values (see Value Sort handout). Some are shared, and others are personal, distinct, and different. Identifying and sharing personal values is a great place to start. As a partnership, we can strengthen the values that we share and seek understanding, acceptance, and negotiation for those values that differ. For example, a couple may share common values regarding fidelity and communication, but one partner may also value adventure and novelty, and the other safety and predictability. As we work together in a partnership, we can respectfully hold and share each other's values.
Safety - Let’s start with unwanted physical risk, or unwanted consequences (STIs, pain, injury, unwanted pregnancy). For most, an overactivated nervous system shuts down sexual response. In sexual relationships, safety must include the emotional. Emotional safety can manifest in communication, preparation, consent, and personal responsibility as well as the principles of patience, forbearance, kindness, gentleness, and flexibility.
Pleasure - Western culture historically has downplayed the importance of pleasure for one partner and prioritizes pleasure for another. This is not a sustainable or healthy way to view sex. Sex is meant to be pleasurable, fun, enjoyable, fulfilling, blissful, transcendent, and mindblowing, mutually and reciprocally. This adventure starts with a mutual commitment to the desires, expectations, and peak enjoyment of both partners.
There you have it, a great foundation to build upon. There are many more sexual health principles to discuss, but these 6 are a great place to start. Try taking various sexual desires, behaviors, and practices and weighing them against these principles. Though principles may not seem “sexy,” these are no kill-joys. When applied again and again throughout a relationship, they create the foundation and infrastructure upon which amazing, atomic, nuclear, mind-blowing sex is created.
